There is a time after my husband and son go to bed, after the dogs get tucked away for the night, when the lights are off and I am just by myself, it’s my silence after midnight, when all is turned off and still in my world. A quiet time of reflecting on the day that past and the coming of the dawn. This is when my life finds focus, note things I should or shouldn’t be doing. A time in which I see my life behind and my life ahead and sometimes it looks like I’m stuck in the middle neither going forward or back, not learning from my latest mistake or missing the lesson I should be seeing.
Today I saw a darker side of my prayer life and I really did not like the feeling of guilt that washed over me as if God was using this moment to teach me to trust His master plan, yet I am a sinner and know that I am far from perfect yet in that same moment of guilt, I felt humble and loved, for I know this teaching moment was a GRACE GOTCHA. He was telling me that it was okay to feel how I was feeling and that even though I should be trusting His plan, I don’t always have to do as He asks of me. I have a free opportunity to choose or not choose His best laid plan. And if I choose the path He doesn’t want me on with the help of other people tucked in my path, or tragic happenings, or even good things will pull you in the direction you need to be following. He knows what He is doing even when we don’t.
Lately I have been trusting and things have been going really well considering what we have been going through in the past years. Those closest to me know what I am referring to but for the rest of you here is a short list.
Our son was born with cancer, and is now a 15 yr survivor, gall bladder surgery & hysterectomy for me in the span of a short four months time, my husband changing jobs after 12 years due to health reasons and going to a job making 1/2 the amount of money he had been making, which brought on debt collections, finding out my cousin is gay and finding out my baby brother is atheist after graduating from St. John’s college with a minor in theology. (Just a note here those two events caused this Christian mom’s life to be upended and many hours of little to no sleep) Losing my father in law, and several other close friends, almost losing our marriage. The graduations of both our girls from high school then college, both of them starting careers and finding their soul mates, two weddings, three moves, new dog in our home, new grand dogs (4) for the girls, several horses being born and sold when the market is low, our son now driving, our 25th anniversary, my husband’s 50th and now this year I turn the big 50. This has all taken place in a short 15 years, yet now as I pause I see God’s amazing grace, in how He molded me to become a greater prayer warrior, and I say that last part with much conviction. As I feel my heart can now withstand anything the devil tries to bring against me and my family. Oh yes, the devil is crafty and sly wanting us to feel unworthy, useless, unloved, and that we never have enough.
But I am just the opposite! I love the positives to shine through the dark!
I am WORTHY because God sent Jesus to die for me and anyone who believes this will be a part of the kingdom to come.
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.
I am USEFUL I know my purpose on earth is to share the gospel and I am doing so on this blog until all the above things happened I would not have found my voice to write.
15He said to them, “Go into all the world and preach the gospel to all creation. 16 Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned. 17 And these signs will accompany those who believe: In my name they will drive out demons; they will speak in new tongues; 18 they will pick up snakes with their hands; and when they drink deadly poison, it will not hurt them at all; they will place their hands on sick people, and they will get well.”
I am LOVED, not only by my family, friends but by my Creator and his Son and the Holy Spirit sent here to aid me in my task of teaching the good news.
20 On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you. 21 Whoever has my commands and keeps them is the one who loves me.The one who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love them and show myself to them.”
All of my NEEDS are met not by my family, employer, my friends, my community, my state, and my world, but by my GOD.
2 Corinthians 9:8
And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work.
I am the only ME this world will ever see. My parents only had my two brothers and me, I AM UNIQUE, A SOUL CREATION OF MY GOD. I am the only one in history ever with my set of values, hopes, dreams, and thoughts. No one past, present or future will ever have the same emotional characters chatting to them in my mind as I do. No one will be able to voice these thoughts and dreams like I can. For this is my moment in history to shine with the overall of Jesus inside of me regardless of what the devil tries I am doing all for the kingdom to come not for wealth, fame or fortune here on this world my body is made for a heavenly realm not of this old earth. This too shall pass and there will be a new heaven and a new earth, and my Jesus is coming to reign!
New International Version (NIV)
A New Heaven and a New Earth
¹ Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,”[a] for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. 2 I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. 3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 4 ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’[b] or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
5 He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”
So right now my silence after midnight may become my greatest calling because I have the passion finally to write like no one else can, to share parts of my life the ups and downs, we all face them but it’s how we handle them that gives direction to aid this world. So I am hoping by sharing my trials, you can relate and maybe not feel alone because you now know some of what makes me, ME!!!!
So the next time you feel alone, isolated, left out, unwanted or unloved stop and pause your life and listen to the silence after midnight to refocus. But if you are still feeling down and need a shoulder to cry on or just chat swing on in and drop me a line, and we can pray for each other, enjoy your day!
Love you all,